i was doing a little cyber stalking last night on Facebook and just got the strangest feeling come over me.  i hate the way that looking at other people’s profiles makes me feel sometimes. i find myself constantly comparing their lives to mine. the glossy photos, the upscale homes, the amazing trips.  i feel totally inadequate!

i thought I’d be somewhere different at this point in my life.  I’m turning the corner on 40 and i thought I’d be a little more accomplished.  don’t get me wrong – i love my life.  B is the biggest blessing and more of a joy than i could have ever imagined.  my fiancé has given me the world and he is the love of my life.  but somehow i thought life would be different.  i thought i would have the glossy pictures in the tre fabulous home and jetting around the world on spectacular vacations.  I’m content, until i check facebook.

i fucking hate facebook.  i hate the way it makes me feel.  i hate being jealous  i hate having envy in my heart.  i hate thinking nasty things about people.

do you ever notice that more people only put the most outlandish and ridiculously positive things on their pages?  i rarely see anyone having a bad day, or dealing with a chronic illness.  no one talks about how hard it is to be a parent or that they can have kids. who is having problems in their relationship, managing a mental illness or taking care of an ill parent.  i don’t think people are being their authentic selves.

i do this as much as anyone.  I’m only a part of my authentic self on social media.  i post pictures of B and our adventures.  i talk about how grateful i am for my life now and make funny observations.  i don’t talk about how hard life can be.  how hard it is to be a working mom.  how hard it is to manage my bipolar disorder.  i don’t let everyone in.  i don’t want to be judged…

so i think I’m going to challenge myself and be more authentic.  tell my facebook community about my definition of authenticity and that i hope to start a dialogue.  what do you think?

until tomorrow…