i’m trying to figure out what a manic episode is for me. it seems to change every time my medication is adjusted. i was put on lithium a couple of months back and definitely feel the difference. but i’ve been up all night and haven’t been able to sleep. my mind is racing a million miles a minute. i find myself clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth. i don’t seem to be able to rest. is this what a manic episode is like on medication? are you still supposed to be able to have a manic episode when you start taking lithium? i thought all of this was supposed to go away. i know there’s no cure but i thought i’d feel little bit better. this isn’t a fun or euphoric episode. it’s just so confusing.

writing this blog is definitely helping. i’m able to get out my emotions and express myself in a way that’s been really constructive. i’ve been missing that in the past. but now i seem to stay awake trying to think of new blog topics. is the blog feeding into my mania?

i’m still trying to figure out what all the titles are for my mental illness. rapid cycling? what does that really mean? is this something that i have? what about all the drugs that are available? am i taking the right things? lithium has such a negative connotation to it.

i don’t feel like i fit the typical classifications of someone who’s manic-depressive. i do have lots of dangerous behaviors though. i tend to binge drink as well as engage in risky sexual behavior. i definitely overspend and go on a shopping spree like a binge. i over eat and use food as a comfort. i start 1 million projects and when i get down i have 1 million unfinished projects. it’s nearly 1 AM in the morning now and i can’t sleep and i’m typing all this on my phone. i find the blogging to be great but it’s something else to drive my attention and focus on and leave the other things that i should be doing unsaid.

does any of this make sense? i feel lost in a sea of my diagnosis and google searches don’t seem to help.  is it like this for any of you too?

until tomorrow…