My daughter turned 1 last week.  She is the greatest gift and hugest joy that I could have ever imagined.  I never thought I’d be so lucky as to finally be a mother, let alone to such a wonderful, sweet and kind baby.  However, my journey to motherhood was long and odorous and one that I could have imagined.  Getting here, one year into mommy hood is the lens through which to look at myself, my failures and my triumphs.  It’s been a difficult journey but one that I knew I’d have to take to gain the ultimate prize, my daughter.

I was married before I met my daughter’s father.  It was a tumultuous relationship, paved with control, anger, violence and abuse.  We were together for 8 years and married for 6.  Planning my escape from that marriage was the light at the end of the tunnel and paved the way for happiness and new beginnings.  I was a mom in that relationship; my first foray into parenthood.  I was, however, a stepmom.  While I love my stepsons immensely I knew it wasn’t the same sort of fulfillment id find parenting my own child.  The boys already had a mom and dad.  I was playing the role of an extra in their lives and didn’t always feel like I fit.  I wasn’t content.  I wasn’t fulfilled.  I knew my exhaust and would never make me a who,e parent; that coupled with the emotional and physical abuse I endured made me realize I had to get out.

Why am I telling you all this? I need to explain my journey to where I am today and the roller coaster motherhood has created for me and the soul-searching it’s awakened in me.  I need an outlet to talk about and process my feelings and share my feelings in the hope that I might reach someone else so they don’t feel alone or crazy in their journey ad I have.  I am spinning and crazy most days filled with self-doubt and manic compulsions but I need to share to help me realize I am not alone.

Until my next manic momday…