i just came from the doctor.  i was hopeful when i called this morning.  i was anxious.  i was nervous.  i was confused.

i’m late.  i don’t mean late in the “i’m gonna be 20 minutes late for work because i’m stuck in traffic” kind of late.  i’m six days late on my period.  i went to meet with my doctor.  i went to  have a pregnancy test.

i took a test at home and it was positive.  i took another test the next day to be sure and it was negative.  i took 2 more tests and they were negative too.  i’m trying really hard not to get excited.  i’m trying really hard not to get nervous.  i’m trying really hard not to cry.

the test at the doctor’s office was negative too.  but there was blood in my urine.  i probably was pregnant but now i’m not.  i’m sad…

i have a sinking feeling in my stomach.  i have a sadness in my heart.  i have an ache and a void i wasn’t prepared for…will i have another baby?

i’m not sure how to process these feelings.  i feel like i lost something today but it wasn’t real for me yet.  why do i feel so off?

until tomorrow…