I often get the feeling like I’m in limbo. Almost a floating sensation. I’m in between things – moods, places, experiences. I never really feel present. Somehow I’m someplace else. Not quite myself but never someone else.
This in-between state brings out the worst on me. I become my “other” – snappy, angry, shrill, rude, harsh, judgemental. Everything at once that I can’t control. I feel broken. I hurt those who love me the most. My head hurts and my heart breaks.
I make bad decisions. I spend too much. I eat too much. I drink too much. I don’t sleep. All I want to do is sleep. I’m groggy. I’m grumpy. I’m impulsive. I don’t think about the consequences of my actions; not because I don’t want to – I can’t.
If I had cancer or MS everyone would be understanding. They’d make me casseroles and bring magazines for me to read when I’m blue. If it was something that people perceived “happening to me” then they’d give me the benefit of the doubt or say what a poor girl to be going through this.
I don’t have control. I can’t stop it. I fight for control everyday. I am conscious of my bipolar condition. I take my meds as prescribed. I make a schedule and stick to it, even when I don’t want to. I parent, I cook, I clean, I work, I write, I breathe, I live. Bipolar is a part of me. It makes me, me.
We are all broken and trying to put together the pieces. I want my pieces to shine a light for others to see, for B to be proud of.