manic momday

I went on for months feeling depressed and out of control all at the same time.  Add some anxiety and a little alcohol self-medicating and you got yourself a crazy cocktail.

But I digress.   I know I need to talk to someone so I scheduled a therapist appointment through my insurance carrier (which I recommend all women do if they feel out of sorts post baby).  As part of the intake process and in order to get anti-depressants I had to meet with their psychiatrist.  I’ve never been to a psychiatrist and had no idea what to expect.

So it all began with me sitting across the desk from this very nice man who appeared to be in his late 60s or early 70s and was either Egyptian or Indian.  That’s all I could focus on – where was this guy from?  He has a diploma for medical school on the wall but that’s from SUNY.  His accent…what kind of accent did he have?  I can’t place it. His name is so innocuous.  Why can’t I figure out where this guy was from?

Oh what?  I’m sorry, I missed what you were saying.  Yeah, the appointment went something like that.  He asked my a series of questions:

• Yes I do have periods of prolonged sleep followed by unexplained insomnia.
• Yes I do have anxiety that is heightened by stress
• Yes I do have impulsive activity – including wild spending sprees and risky sexual behavior.
• Yes I do have racing thoughts and speak very quickly
• Yes I have had overly long periods of sadness
• Yes I am extremely irritable.

OK, I know what you’re thinking – this girl is a mess! And while you’re not wrong, I thought everyone experienced this.  I was just a little more depressed then normal and need something to jump start myself so I can take care of B.

Well apparently this doctor wants to be thorough and gives me a real diagnosis – Bipolar.  38 years old, been like this my whole life and now you’re telling me I’m bipolar?  You mean I could have been working on this all along?

Good grief…

Until tomorrow…

I knew from the day I found out I was pregnant my daughter was going to be a stubborn as I am.

40 weeks pregnant and no baby. I begged my doctor to induce me. I loved being pregnant but I was so done. My feet look like sausages. I’ve never been so swollen and so uncomfortable in my entire life.

Luckily my doctor agreed to induce me on my due date. I was so excited that within 24 hours I would meet my daughter. The hospital called early every checked in at 2 PM on Sunday, March 23, 2014.  My baby girl is finally coming!

The nurses started the medication around four and I had contractions often on for the next few hours. They let me have a snack before 10 and I settled in for the evening with my iPad and book thinking it could be any time that the baby would come. The contractions were strong but nothing that I couldn’t handle. I fell asleep for a few hours and woke around 2 am when my nurse came to check on me.   I wasn’t really progressing and the nurse was concerned that if I didn’t take an epidural since I was in pain I wouldn’t be able to get one the next day. So I caved. I took the epidural.

The anesthesiologist came in around 4 AM and gave me my epidural. It was literally like the lambs stop crying. I was the most relaxed I had been in weeks I felt great. I have the best sleep of my life that night and didn’t wake up until my doctor came in to break my water at 8 AM. But the baby wasn’t coming.  Mt doctor broke my water, started some medication and told me he would be back later in the day to deliver the baby.

To get me progressing the nurses, who were AWESOME, used an exercise ball between my legs to open me up.  By 2pm I was 6cm dialated.  I tried to relax and take it easy but I started to feel really uncomfortable, like I was burning.  I told my partner that I felt like it I pushed the baby would come right out.  He told me I was crazy.  Nothing new there…I yelled for him to get the nurse.

Luckily for me crazy wins because when the nurse came in to check me, a mere 20 minutes after her last check, I was 10cm and ready to have this baby.  Call the doctor! Mom, don’t push! Call her parents!  This kids is coming pronto!

At exactly 3pm, without my doctor, my daughter Brooklyn Rose came into the world.  I have never felt that level of joy and love instantly swell in my being.  Although labor was by far one of the easiest things I have ever done, being a mom and keeping it all together is definitely the hardest.  I wouldn’t change anything in this world.  🙂

More tomorrow..

Swollen, check…

Back pain, check…

Tired, cranky and feeling like a blimp, check…

Yes, I was a normal pregnant woman. I had all of the cravings, eating too much, needing sleep, and general uncomfortableness. Otherwise being pregnant was the best time of my life.

Let me begin by saying I completely stopped taking my medication once I knew I was pregnant.  My doctor and I thought it was best to stop my meds cold turkey it was the best decision I ever made. I felt like I was in a complete state of homeostasis. I felt normal. I felt balanced. I felt happy. I’ve heard that women who have mental issues or have chronic illness feel great when they’re pregnant. I was definitely  one of those women. I didn’t take one medication other than the occasional time when I was pregnant. But I felt happy. It was the oddest thing ever for me. I didn’t have mood swings. I wasn’t angry all the time. I didn’t take one medication other than the occasional tylenol when I was pregnant. But I felt happy. It was the oddest thing ever for me. I didn’t have mood swings. I wasn’t angry all the time. I wasn’t crying for no reason other then my roller coaster of normal pregnancy hormones. I felt good. Is that wrong?

Looking back now I wish I was pregnant all the time. It’s the best ever felt in my life. Especially without medication.

At the end of the pregnancy I was ready to be done and hold my baby more than anything. But I felt good. Just ready to have the baby. The joy that I felt when I met my daughter for the first time was the most intense and overwhelming feeling I’ve ever had. I never knew that such love existed.

My daughter turned 1 last week.  She is the greatest gift and hugest joy that I could have ever imagined.  I never thought I’d be so lucky as to finally be a mother, let alone to such a wonderful, sweet and kind baby.  However, my journey to motherhood was long and odorous and one that I could have imagined.  Getting here, one year into mommy hood is the lens through which to look at myself, my failures and my triumphs.  It’s been a difficult journey but one that I knew I’d have to take to gain the ultimate prize, my daughter.

I was married before I met my daughter’s father.  It was a tumultuous relationship, paved with control, anger, violence and abuse.  We were together for 8 years and married for 6.  Planning my escape from that marriage was the light at the end of the tunnel and paved the way for happiness and new beginnings.  I was a mom in that relationship; my first foray into parenthood.  I was, however, a stepmom.  While I love my stepsons immensely I knew it wasn’t the same sort of fulfillment id find parenting my own child.  The boys already had a mom and dad.  I was playing the role of an extra in their lives and didn’t always feel like I fit.  I wasn’t content.  I wasn’t fulfilled.  I knew my exhaust and would never make me a who,e parent; that coupled with the emotional and physical abuse I endured made me realize I had to get out.

Why am I telling you all this? I need to explain my journey to where I am today and the roller coaster motherhood has created for me and the soul-searching it’s awakened in me.  I need an outlet to talk about and process my feelings and share my feelings in the hope that I might reach someone else so they don’t feel alone or crazy in their journey ad I have.  I am spinning and crazy most days filled with self-doubt and manic compulsions but I need to share to help me realize I am not alone.

Until my next manic momday…